Raw Reflection

As I sit on this plane from Brazil to the United States, my mind, heart, spirit, and body are flooded with emotions.

Mentally, I am facing a war within my brain between the grief that comes with change and the joy that comes with reuniting with family.

Introspectively, I am hurting from the pain associated with leaving part of your heart in a different place.

Spiritually, I feel close to my Savior but confused about why He is taking me away from what has grown to be home.

Physically, my head feels as though it is going to explode because of all the tears I have shed in the past 24 hours.

For today’s post, I decided to make it more of a reflection upon my time in Brazil. I know that I will have lots of people asking me the question “How was Brazil?” and attempting to answer that in 1-2 sentences would be inconceivable. Therefore, my hope is that this post provides a response in the most real way possible. I have other posts still yet to come about my experiences within my last month there but thought I would put this out first so that you could get a glimpse into the raw, genuine emotions and struggles I am facing in real time.

Feelings I am having

• I feel like two different people within one body. One half pulling me to stay and the other pulling me to my family. Not to be dramatic but just like in the olden days when there was that mechanism to pull people’s bodies in two different directions, I often feel like these opposite pulls on my heart are torture of which I am not going to make it
• I feel hesitant to open my heart up to new friends because the hurt of eventually leaving sucks and is something I have done way too many times in the past year
• I feel so incredibly lucky to have made deep and meaningful relationships with such inspiring people. I am truly in awe of God’s goodness in giving me so many friends that I get to love and learn from not only in this life, but for all eternity
• I feel full of sorrow. Just extremely sad at the thought of not being in the place in which I felt so content in my purpose
• I feel especially scared to enter into a reality in which every person surrounding me will have no clue as to what I am going through and even more scared that I might slip into my old way of caring about things that are not currently important to me
• I feel excited to put into practice all the things I have learned in Brazil back at home, such as sharing my faith with each and every person God calls me to, being dedicated to deepening relationships and discipling women, caring for the one, and being flexible throughout my day, willing to stop and talk and eat and laugh and sit and dance
• I feel just plum inspired when thinking about being able to go back and better serve the rural populations of northeast Brazil after I graduate nursing school
• I feel empty, like there are a bunch of little holes in my heart where each of my friends in Brazil kept pieces with them
• I feel sick, I’m talking physically nauseous, at the thought of living in a culture in which people are quick to turn away from all minor inconveniences that put a kink in their schedules and plans rather than being willing to reach out and open their homes at the drop of a hat without even being asked
• I feel as though I have been touched by the Holy Spirit in a way that has prepared me for whatever might come my way
• I feel slightly numb, emotion after emotion after emotion and then to the point of just feeling nothing
• I feel excited to give Lucy and William and Ari and Jude the biggest hugs ever and to be back in the comfort of my family. Goodness I have really missed my little ones. 
• I feel free. You know the feeling when the wind is hitting your face and your hair is blowing behind you. It makes me believe as though the breath of God is pushing back all the things in the past and allowing me to focus on what is yet to come.
• Lastly, I feel loved. By my friends in Brazil. By all the people that have been praying for me. By my family and friends in the US. But most of all, by my Heavenly Father.

Though the overwhelming amount of variation in my emotions leaves me breathless, confused, and paralyzed at times, I am choosing to trust that God has a plan to use each and every one for His glory. This leads me not to invalidate the joys and struggles I am experiencing, but rather find comfort in the fact that Jesus is walking through them with me.

^“15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. ¹⁶ Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

Hebrews 4:15-16

These verses remind me that not only does Jesus see my fear, anxiety, happiness, sadness, love, and brokenness, but personally identifies with it. And this truly does bring a peace that surpasses all understanding.

Things I will miss

• The lizard family that greets me every time I go out back to wash my laundry
• Being reminded of the beauty in simplicity when I am hanging my clothes up to dry
• Having an excuse to call one of my friends because I have ran out of purified water or need groceries or a ride to sand volleyball
• Running in the rain to try to bring my clothes inside when I was either dumb enough to not look at the radar before washing them or the radar wasn’t right, more often than not the first option is more accurate
• Cleaning the house on Thursdays in preparation to have the most special group of women over to our house to study God’s word to us in Proverbs
• Taking refreshing showers in the middle of hot days to cool off
• Being so dependent on the Lord for big things like preaching a sermon in Portuguese and also for small things like how I’m going to get to church each week
• Spending the majority of my Sundays resting, fasting, and having meaningful conversations with Lauren
• The rainy afternoons and nights breaking the heat and causing people to run inside my house laughing. It’s almost as though I can feel the life in the water making us all kind of crazy but bringing out the childlike goofiness in a fresh way
• The way that my body can’t help but dance to Brazilian music. The rhythm and vibe of a group of friends moving and grooving to live, acoustic Samba warms my being beyond words
• The delicious food. Goodness gracious I am convinced that Brazilian food is the best in the world, specifically the typical food of the northeast. A few of my favorites are farofa, vinegrette, cuzcuz, açai, macaxeira frita, paçoca, chicken empadas, and all the yummy bread
• Playing sand volleyball with my best friends every Monday and Friday. This entailed getting super competitive, going to eat after, dancing to the music playing in between points, watching Ruben fall into the net at least once every time we played, and getting to cheer on and joke with my people
• Working at a bilingual school in which I constantly got hugs from so many precious children, heard “Ms. Alli” about 87 times a day, and got to be a little taste of Jesus’ light and love to my students
• Making meals with Lauren or Luanne, listening to music. There is something about cooking in the kitchen with Leon Bridges in the background that will forever make me feel as though all is well, whether the kitchen is in Kentucky, Teresina, Memphis, or any other place God chooses to place me in the future
• Pushing my brain every day to learn more about a language that is not my own for the purpose of being better equipped to communicate and connect with the most beautiful people and culture

In Portuguese, there are two ways to say I miss you. The first is “Saudade”. The translation is to the word longing, but to be honest there is not a word in the English language that fully encompasses the meaning behind this term. Okay, you know when you open your heart to someone that automatically makes you feel like you’re under a cozy blanket sitting on the couch looking at a lit Christmas tree. Without words, they communicate their warmness and understanding. Then change comes, as it always does, and you have to leave them. This is saudade. The second is “Sinto sua falta”. This translates to feeling someone’s absence. I love this way of saying I miss you because it incorporates the sensation the heart gets when it yearns to be in the presence of someone or something but cannot. The absence is palpable, so strong and close to the heart you could touch it. Both of these terms combined accurately portray what I mean when I say, “I miss Brazil”.

Things I have learned

• That I don’t have to always say yes. Though much improvement is still needed, I am starting to better understand that I will never be the cause of someone’s protection or happiness, only the Lord can truly fulfill those areas in someone’s life. Therefore, it is freeing to realize that I don’t have to be every single thing for every single person every single moment of every single day. Because ultimately, no matter how much I try to make everyone happy all the time, it is not my responsibility nor is it possible for me to accomplish
• The necessity to push yourself to learn more and more about your strengths and weaknesses in order to grow
• Just how much Jesus not only sees and loves me in the midst of trials, but identifies with all the difficulties and every possible emotion that comes along with them
• How to lead a Bible study
• The necessity of consistency in relationships. It comes natural to me to be pouring into people when I am in their presence, but I desperately need to improve upon continuing to pour into and maintain this same connection when the physical distance grows larger
• The importance of making whatever changes necessary in my actions to not damage my witness or be a stumbling block for someone around me
• How to be open to allowing God to prune through areas and feelings inside that might not always be so easy to uncover
• The blessing that comes with sharing all parts of your life with people, as it fosters true community and bond building
• Using the profound words of Katie David Majors “In the beginning, I would have described it as God turning my world upside down, but now I know that He was actually turning it right side up.” Previously, I would have had no problem dropping $300 on a day to treat myself but upon realizing this $300 could mean life or death to provide the medicine and food needed for a child with microcephaly, I can no longer continue as before. I am not saying I will never buy anything for myself or care for myself, but I am saying that upon being “right side up” my eyes are now starting to see needs as Jesus saw them and my previous perspective makes me nauseous
• The wonderous benefits of counseling and the power of putting feelings to words in order to process and move past harmful ways of thinking
• The willingness to be okay making mistakes every time I speak in Portuguese, because if I only spoke when I was 100% certain what I was saying was correct I would have never improved or even been able to make it from one place to another
• The inexplicable power of prayer as I have seen it physically heal, financially provide, and most importantly open people’s eyes and hearts to the free gift waiting for them through placing their faith in God
• How amazing it is to write through experiences. This is something I will continue to do for the rest of my life
• Through being forced to be completely and utterly dependent upon the Lord every single day, that there is no other way I would ever desire to live

You deserve a prize if you made it to the end of that one as I know it was long and heavy. My wish is that through these words, each person was able to get the smallest glimpse into my deep love for this country and its people and just how special my experience there was these past four months.

Tchau!